Grief
Noun: Intense sorrow, especially caused by someone's death
I write this blog as a widower of five years. My 31 years with my wife was joyful and she was taken too soon at the age of 53. Two years later my mum died aged 89 and very recently my elder brother also passed away, which has prompted me to compose this article.
How we deal with grief
Death is something we will all succumb to but hardly ever talk about. Our British culture tends to keep this subject low on our agenda of topics to talk about and yet it happens to us all. When we experience the loss of someone close our neighbours and friends may have the stoic advice of ‘Stay strong,' and ‘Keep a stiff upper lip'.
And yet the loss of someone close to you is totally heartbreaking. Grief hits your heart, soul and mind with a savage punch to each and every region and it doesn't stop after day one – it just keeps hitting you hard.
But why do we die?
Death wasn't meant to be. We were to live forever here on earth as eternal beings intertwined with the heavenly realm which is and forever will be eternal.
So, what happened?
Genesis 2: verses 16 and 17:
16. And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, of every tree of the garden you may freely eat:
17. But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, you shall not eat of it: for in the day that you eat thereof you shall surely die.
What did that disobedience mean and why was it so final and severe?
There were two trees in the garden
- Knowledge of good and evil
- The tree of Life
When Adam and Eve, who were the Kings of the Earth, took the fruit it was a direct act of disobedience to the overall King of the Universe. This act of disobedience not only offended the King of the Universe but it was an act of giving away the earth. The King of the Universe had to depart from earth and he took his heavenly realm beyond earth leaving it to the new King of the Air, Satan.
If Adam and Eve had taken the fruit of the Tree of Life, we would not all be living in a fallen painful world forever. That didn't happen but death did happen and we are all subject to it. We age as time goes on and this aging process shows us that life is nearing the end.
My personal experience
When my wife died, I witnessed her last breath. This was extremely painful but also quite beautiful. I had a huge fear of her dying and when it happened my fear became faint. There was a peace and love that surrounded my wife which was the beauty that I witnessed and knowing she was a Christian helped my understanding of her being surrounded by angels waiting to take her to heaven.
Although the comfort of knowing she went to heaven was real, the emptiness of being cut off from her love was real too. I also felt cut away from the fact that I could not share my love with her. Death is final and is hard to bear. I was fortunate enough to have counselling from the Hospice, which my wife was at. My advice to anyone who has lost someone to death is to seek counselling.
Some small facts that may help
Although there are no hard and fast rules of recovery here are some common time frames:
Immediate Grief (first few weeks to months): The initial phase often includes shock, disbelief, and intense sadness. This period may feel overwhelming, with acute feelings surfacing frequently.
Acute Grief (up to a year): For many, the first year is the most challenging, particularly around anniversaries, birthdays, or holidays that can trigger feelings of loss. The first of everything without the person is a trigger to the pain of grief.
I was told an average time of grieving for someone close is two years. My personal grief is better described by my councillor who said:
‘It's a ball of pain in the stomach region that is very large in the first few months then as time goes on that ball gets smaller. The tears come when the ball hits the sides of the body and you never know when this will happen.'
This has been true in my life the first few months I never thought the pain would end. Now five years later I still get a side kick of grief and the tears come flooding back for a while.
Another quote from my councillor:
‘When you have lived a life with that person side by side for many years it's like two trees growing together and her journey has stopped growing but yours will carry on. Making new shoots of growth. Your tree will carry on growing.'
Integrated Grief (beyond a year): Over time, most people begin to adjust to life without the deceased. Grief doesn't disappear but often becomes less intense and is gradually incorporated into daily life.
The other thing about grief I would like to share is one of you cannot control when it comes or goes you just need to let it happen.
My eldest daughter had a highly intense professional career in London and she had to excuse herself from meetings because the grief had just hit her. This became unacceptable to her immediate boss.
My daughter tried to control her grief but it was a crippling pain that she couldn't contain. We had a walk and a talk about it and she said, ‘I have a holiday in two weeks. I'll make sure I cry then instead of at work.'
But grief doesn't work like that. it knows no time, culture or boundary. With a lack of empathy and understanding my daughter lost her job and was fired by a woman, who had also lost her mother a few years before. This is a common sad reality of our society that has little tolerance for grief.
Here are some other facts about grief:
Complicated or Prolonged Grief: Some people experience prolonged grief disorder, where intense emotions persist beyond 12 months to 24 months (6 months for children). In these cases, grief can interfere significantly with daily life, and therapy or counselling may be helpful. Situations involving unexpected or traumatic loss, such as the death of a child, sudden accidents, or a violent death, may also lead to longer or more complicated grief.
I personally had therapy from the beginning and it helped me tremendously I recommend looking and seeking out support. Many people rely on close family and friends, though support can also come from community groups, religious institutions, or support groups. The UK has many bereavement support charities, such as Cruse Bereavement Support, which provides free counselling and support, as well as Sands for those affected by the death of a baby.
Final thought
Jesus the God King/man came to Earth born as a human and that connection from Earth to Heaven exists because of him. Born on Earth from Heaven he is now the only way back to Heaven and the eternal life of love that awaits all who receive him.
As someone who has received Jesus the God/man I feel his heavenly presence on a daily basis. I don't need to wait to know if I am going to Heaven, I already know that I am a resident of Heaven.